To Write or Not to Write

I'm having second thoughts about starting this blog. I feel like such a flake but it is what it is. I've been writing. I have 7 posts started. I just haven't published them. I've even had this post written for a week. I just can't seem to click that publish button! Part of the problem is that I am afraid of being judged. I started the blog thinking that I would share about hobbies, interests, my life and my thoughts on different topics. The problem is that now I find myself mostly just wanting to share my thoughts which basically makes this a public diary for all to read. I don't know about you but I don't particularly want everybody and anybody to read my diary!

Sure I could back off and mainly just share about my hobbies and life but then I still can't help but add what I thought or how I feel about these different events and interests. I could just limit how much I share but then I feel like I'm not being as honest as I would like. I am very afraid of being judged. If I only share the positive thoughts and events, then I may be judged as being fake because life isn't always positive. If I share about a personal struggle, then I could be judged in a wide number of ways. I could be a poor writer. I could be a debbie downer. I could be too insecure, a bad parent, uneducated, untalented, misunderstood. Or I could be considered a know-it-all, bragging, proud, arrogant, pretentious. The possibilities are endless. Basically, I now realize that putting my thoughts out there for all to read is a really vulnerable place to be and I'm not sure I have thick enough skin to handle it. 

And so I find myself at a stand still. Should I write or should I not write. Do I put myself out there or are there better ways to communicate and share my thoughts, ideas and opinions.

Now please don't misunderstand me. I am not looking for an ego boost here. I've taken a week to publish this post for fear of being misunderstood. I am simply being honest and wanted to let people know why I haven't written for 2 weeks. Of course, I always appreciate words of encouragement. It is my love language. I thrive on encouragement! But it is not what I am seeking through this post. If anything, I am hoping to hear promises of not being judged. But really, I don't need to hear anything at all. I'm just dipping my toes into the water, treading slowly and carefully and we'll see how it goes from there.

I don't know yet if I will continue blogging. I guess only time will tell. But one thing I will definitely write about before quitting (if I quit) is my mom. When she was sick I wrote notes on Facebook to keep people updated on how she was doing. The last note I wrote said that she was doing well. A month later she passed away. It all happened so fast I never had a chance to share what was going on or how I was doing afterwards. I really want to share about her last week as well as my grief process. So, at the very least I will write about all that. If I continue to write about other topics, we shall see.