Anti-theist

I think this is sort of funny (you be the judge) but last week I followed a crazy "rabbit trail" that led me to the topic of atheism.

I started with a search on attachment parenting, moved on to the topic of abortion and then to atheism. How do I go from parenting to atheism?! I thought the rabbit trail was funny but the topic of atheism majorly piqued my interest and I haven't stopped thinking about it since.

I wonder if this is too serious for my 3rd blog post ever but its actually one of the catalysts that spurred me on in starting this blog. So, topic of atheism, here I come.

The rabbit trail I followed led me to watching a bunch of YouTube videos of Atheists giving their de-conversion stories - de-conversion meaning they were people who had grown up in Christian homes or with some sort of Christian background and had previously believed in God, the Bible and Jesus. One by one I watched testimonies of people who had believed but began to have serious questions and doubts. Eventually these doubts were so distinct that they could not continue to believe in the truth of the Bible or the existence of God.

I found this really interesting for a couple of reasons. First, the questions they had were ones I also had/have struggled with - is the bible consistent in what it teaches; is God loving or mean and judgmental; how do we trust that the books included in the bible are the only ones that should be included when there are other books that didn't make the cut... Second, I was surprised by the response of many of the Christians who wrote in the comments section.

I can totally understand people having an issue with "religion". Its possible to misinterpret the Bible when its not read and understood in context. As a result there are a lot of conflicting and confusing doctrines out there that tend to turn people off of Christianity. Also, many Christians do appear to be hypocrites when they sin and make mistakes (e.g. cuss someone out in the middle of a road rage rant - I will admit that I have been guilty of this on more than one occasion) and live a "holier-than-thou" type religion rather than the humble loving serving faith that Jesus calls us to live. However, I truly did not understand how these Atheists did not find the answers they had so desperately sought. They were really smart people and had apparently studied out their questions but had come out with answers that had them taking a complete 180 from their previous beliefs. When I had some of these questions and studied for answers, I found more than sufficient information to not only tame my doubts but to also strengthen my faith! I really want to understand why the answers I found are not enough for them to believe. I think it is something I will need to ask an Atheist. But I am afraid to ask because it is such a sensitive topic. (To any of my Atheist friends and family, or anyone else who may read this, since this is being read rather than heard directly from me I want to be very clear that these words are written with no judgement! I am honestly seeking to understand what you believe and why. I have struggled with some of the same questions that many Atheists have struggled with, so I want to understand at what point did we come out with different answers).

The importance of Christians knowing and understanding their faith and being "prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give a reason for the hope that you have" and to do this with gentleness and respect (1 Peter 3:15) was given renewed passion in my heart as I read many of the Christians comments to the YouTube videos. Some Christians tried to argue with text book answers to which the Atheist was more than ready for and then led the Christian into a jumbled mess of split-hairs. Many Christians just dismissed the Atheist with the statement "oh, you were just never a true Christian then", which even to me didn't seem to be a fair assessment and unsurprisingly just inspires the Atheist into deeper disbelief. (One Atheist recommended reading the "no true Scotsman fallacy" in response to these dismissals. I did and found it very interesting and would encourage you to read it as well. Don't worry, its short - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/No_true_Scotsman).

Ultimately, this average woman was compelled to begin sharing her faith through this public forum. I hope I can do this thoughtfully and respectfully. I need to think beyond my own life and circumstances and to consider other people's needs and worldviews before I spout off my own beliefs at them. I was challenged to review what I have learned, to continue to learn, and to be ready and willing to share what I know with gentleness and respect to anyone who asks me. To be honest, I do not feel ready anymore. Its been 10 years since I graduated college and I have taken for granted what I believe and why. I have done my best to apply what I believe to all areas of my personal life but I have taken very little opportunity to share it with others who believe differently from me. I do not handle pressure or conflict very easily so if I was thrown into a debate I would probably not do very well. Yet I do believe that Jesus is an objective truth that can be known. It might not be enough for every person I meet but if I can share about my life and how God is changing me and how I know that He loves me, then I might do ok in a conversation. And so, this is another reason why I have started this blog. I want to have an opportunity to share my God story and I want to exercise my communication skills in this area.

As my time of working at home is nearing an end, I am thinking a lot about what I will do next and I very much want to find something, somewhere, that allows me to practically and compassionately help people. To me, being a witness means more than just saying that I believe something. It means that I live what I believe. I want to be active in demonstrating to people the love and compassion that Christ has shown me. Please pray for me to find this place.

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P.S. When I say that I still have questions about my faith, I want to share that the questions I tend to struggle with are most often related to where is God when it hurts sort of situations. But I will write about that in another post some time.

About Me

So, who is this average woman and what makes her so average?

My story is one of constant growth and changes. I've made mistakes which have sometimes caused me to hide in despair. I've had successes which have encouraged me to keep on trudging along...

First of all, I am a Christian. I believe in God as a loving relational Creator. I believe that all people have sinned and need to pay the price for their sin yet it is impossible for us to do this by our own efforts. I believe that Jesus Christ is both God and human, that he lived on earth and never sinned, and that he willingly died as a sacrifice for our sins and rose to life 3 days later and now lives in heaven as an advocate for those who believe in him. I believe that Jesus paid the price for our sin and that when we have faith in that action, our debt is paid and we are reconciled to God and can have a relationship with Him. I believe in the trinity, that God is 3 persons in one - Father, Son and Holy Spirit. I believe in the Bible as the inspired Word of God and it teaches and trains us how to live a right life.

Why do I believe all this? Well, I grew up with loving and wise parents who also believed the above statements and taught me what they believed and nurtured that teaching through lifestyle and church attendance. I had a happy childhood - only girl in the middle of 2 brothers. We enjoyed lots of fun-filled family time - hiking, camping, bike riding, tree climbing, ice skating, sledding, etc. And I grew up "in the church" - meaning we attended church often and I was taught these beliefs and have believed them for as long as I can remember. BUT... this does not mean that I am a mindless drone who just believes because that is all I know. Oh no. Far from it.

I had a day - or should I say a year - of reckoning when I was 20 years old and on a missions trip. But I will get back to that. First, let me rewind a bit to tell you about my teen years. Having grown up listening to bible stories and Sunday sermons, the perfectionist in me really struggled with living up to the standards that I thought were expected of me. I seemed to focus on the understanding that I was a sinner who could never measure up rather than the fact that God loved me and saved me, through faith, no matter what. I decided when I was 15 that the "Christian" life was too hard and I decided I was going to have fun living and doing whatever I wanted. I began to smoke and party. I did pot and had sex with my boyfriend. I thought that this lifestyle gave me more freedom than living under God's strict rules. But I was wrong.

After a few years of living this lifestyle I began to feel very unfulfilled. Sure, all of these actions were momentarily gratifying but I felt like I was missing something much bigger. I knew that it was God.

In the summer of '96 I went to bible camp and read Ephesians 2:8 on a banner at the front of the chapel. It reads: "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God." Wow. I was struck. Finally it had sunk in! I was saved by grace... By grace! Not by how good of a girl I was or how many rules I followed perfectly but pure and simple by what Christ had done for me even though I didn't (and still don't) deserve it.

... I guess I had always known in my head that it didn't matter what I did or didn't do but I hadn't lived it in my heart.

After that night at camp, God began to work in my life, to slowly change me. I began to study the Bible in earnest. Not just reading it but doing in depth bible studies. I prayed and worshiped God in song at home and at church because I wanted to spend as much focused time with God as possible. I began to truly love God in heart and in action. It wasn't for another year before I felt it was time to break up with my boyfriend. It wasn't so much that I thought it was such a bad relationship (although it wasn't great), but it was because I couldn't talk with him about my relationship with God. He was so closed to any discussion that involved God or church, even if it was to just tell him a funny story that happened at bible study that night. How could I be with a guy who I couldn't talk with about this huge part of my life? We broke up. It sucked at the time but looking back now I of course am very glad to have done it.

I still made mistakes in the following months and years. I still make mistakes today and every day. But its not so much that God has a list of rules that I fail at keeping. Its that I don't always live my life in as much freedom as I could. Because though you may think that God's way is controlling and strict, it is not. To forgive, serve, hope and love, to resist addictions that control me physically or avoid sexual promiscuity that leaves me feeling used and unloved - that is true freedom.

And so, my day of reckoning. Since '96 I've gone on a few mission trips and completed bible college to earn a Bachelors Degree in Religious Education. Now I am a wife and mother of 2. I've worked as a day home provider watching up to 5 kids, including my own, in my own home, for the last 4 years. Currently I am taking a break from the day home and looking for some ho-hum evening job just to make a living while I figure out a career path. My mom passed away in '09 from cancer. It happened fast and furious and I have a long story of its own to share in another post some time. I would say that the 1st half of my life I was learning about grace. This 2nd half of my life I have been learning about faith.

From '98-'99 I was on a 10 month long missions trip. During this trip I began to have a lot of questions about the Bible. I began to seriously question if Jesus, the Bible and the God of the Bible were true. These questions shook my faith to its very core. One night I was supposed to teach an object lesson about faith to some kids in downtown Vancouver. I likened having faith in God and Jesus to sitting down in a chair that appeared to be stable but wouldn't know for sure until I sat in it. Man. That was hard. I was doing the actions and saying the words by rote as my inner dialogue raged. How could I teach this to kids when I wasn't even sure if it was true? I honestly didn't know if I could sit down in that chair because I began to take it very personally. I felt that it wasn't just an object lesson anymore. I was speaking these words about faith to myself and if I sat in that chair then that was me deciding to have faith in God and His Word despite my doubts... I sat in the chair.

Sitting in the chair did not mean I had blind faith though. I had already read some answers from some smart people to the questions I had asked. After sitting in the chair I began to research even more and then went to bible college the next year. A lot of questions were answered but I can't say I never have questions anymore, even to this day. Just like when I still sin and make mistakes after understanding God's grace, I still have questions and doubts after having faith. I think this is good. It spurs me on to continually seek answers and to understand the Bible, as best as I can, for myself rather than just whatever I am told.

I am an average woman because I am not perfect. I have stories to tell and life experiences to share. I have hobbies and goals to encourage others with but most of all, I have a God who loves me and loves you no matter how good or how bad we are and I want to testify of His Greatness. Through each of my posts, no matter what the topic, I want to be totally honest and share the imperfect along with the... well, the fairly good. My life, my home, my hobbies, my marriage and parenting skills are not picture perfect. But at least I'm still trudging through, doing the best I can. And if you've made it this far in my story, I hope you keep on reading my future posts and are encouraged through it all.

An Average Woman

Well, here I am, for the 1st time in the land of blogging. I've wanted to blog for a few years now but didn't know what I could share that had any significance to "the world". Every major theme that I thought of seemed to already be out there. Marriage, parenting, stay at home mom, God, faith, Bible, food, diet, crafts.... its all been done. But today I thought of something that I often say to my husband. All of my life I have felt very average. I have many interests and hobbies and have some knowledge in a few topics but I have never excelled at anything.

Often when I read blogs I feel inadequate. I read about "confessions of a stay at home mom" and how they struggle with kids or time and then I see pictures of beautiful crafts they've accomplished, or picture perfect kids all smiling, or a beautiful woman with stylish hair and clothes. I wonder, who am I to write about crafts when my work is full of mistakes or my creativity needs a jump start from a google search? Who am I to write about a weight loss journey when I have lost and gained weight several times?

I am just an average woman. And you know what, maybe that's not such a bad thing. Maybe there are more people out there who feel like I do and would be encouraged by what I have to say. So, today I am starting my blog. My small place in the world where I can share more publicly about my life, thoughts, hopes and dreams.

Here I will write about many different topics, thoughts, hobbies and interests. I will be writing from the perspective of an average woman - a woman who enjoys hobbies but is not exceptionally talented in any one area, a woman who needs to work hard to accomplish whatever goal she has set out to complete, a woman who is intelligent but far from genius. I will write about the good and the bad. Sometimes my life & home will be picture perfect, sometimes far from it. Sometimes I will have something very insightful to say from a Scripture verse that I read, sometimes I will have questions and struggles. Sometimes I will be encouraging, sometimes I will need to be encouraged.

It will all be here. I hope that you, dear reader, will relate to what I have to say. I hope that you will be encouraged or be the encourager. Happy reading :)