For the Love of Rain

I decided today that I think spring is my favorite season. Every season has its positives and negatives, including spring. But I decided today that I think I enjoy the positives of spring more than the positives of the other seasons. Sure, I think autumn has beautiful colors. And I love to watch snow falling in the winter and see beautiful landscapes of pure white after a fresh snowfall. I love to bask in sunlight and be warm in the summer, but not too warm. But spring. Oh spring…

I love the excitement I feel when I see new buds beginning on trees. Anticipating the new growth. I love watching everything turn from bare and brown to green, green, green. And I absolutely love the rain. I love to hear the pitter patter outside and on my windows and watch the droplets create their ripples in a puddle or make their track down a windowpane. I do look forward to sunny skies but I don't mind the clouds as much when they are dropping down rain. I love the smell of rain, the sounds of rain and the sights of rain. And as a little bonus, my birthday is in spring!

Sometimes I wonder if loving rain has anything to do with me being born on Vancouver Island. My parents are from Calgary and moved back here when I was 1. I don't remember anything from living in BC. Although I remember lots of vacations there… camping in tents, in the rain. But I wonder how many times I fell asleep to the sounds of rain as a baby. Perhaps there is still a subconscious trigger towards peace when it rains.

Today I ran lots of errands and we were in and out of the house 6 times. My baby boy jumped in the same puddle 5 of the 6 treks to/from the van. On the 6th time, we were coming home and I was finally prepared with my camera to make sure I got a cute picture of the splash and the smile. Of course, this was the one time he decided to be grumpy and come straight into the house. Oh well. Maybe tomorrow I will get my pic.

I hope everyone is enjoying their spring!

P.S. I would like to know, what is your favorite season and why?

To Write or Not to Write

I'm having second thoughts about starting this blog. I feel like such a flake but it is what it is. I've been writing. I have 7 posts started. I just haven't published them. I've even had this post written for a week. I just can't seem to click that publish button! Part of the problem is that I am afraid of being judged. I started the blog thinking that I would share about hobbies, interests, my life and my thoughts on different topics. The problem is that now I find myself mostly just wanting to share my thoughts which basically makes this a public diary for all to read. I don't know about you but I don't particularly want everybody and anybody to read my diary!

Sure I could back off and mainly just share about my hobbies and life but then I still can't help but add what I thought or how I feel about these different events and interests. I could just limit how much I share but then I feel like I'm not being as honest as I would like. I am very afraid of being judged. If I only share the positive thoughts and events, then I may be judged as being fake because life isn't always positive. If I share about a personal struggle, then I could be judged in a wide number of ways. I could be a poor writer. I could be a debbie downer. I could be too insecure, a bad parent, uneducated, untalented, misunderstood. Or I could be considered a know-it-all, bragging, proud, arrogant, pretentious. The possibilities are endless. Basically, I now realize that putting my thoughts out there for all to read is a really vulnerable place to be and I'm not sure I have thick enough skin to handle it. 

And so I find myself at a stand still. Should I write or should I not write. Do I put myself out there or are there better ways to communicate and share my thoughts, ideas and opinions.

Now please don't misunderstand me. I am not looking for an ego boost here. I've taken a week to publish this post for fear of being misunderstood. I am simply being honest and wanted to let people know why I haven't written for 2 weeks. Of course, I always appreciate words of encouragement. It is my love language. I thrive on encouragement! But it is not what I am seeking through this post. If anything, I am hoping to hear promises of not being judged. But really, I don't need to hear anything at all. I'm just dipping my toes into the water, treading slowly and carefully and we'll see how it goes from there.

I don't know yet if I will continue blogging. I guess only time will tell. But one thing I will definitely write about before quitting (if I quit) is my mom. When she was sick I wrote notes on Facebook to keep people updated on how she was doing. The last note I wrote said that she was doing well. A month later she passed away. It all happened so fast I never had a chance to share what was going on or how I was doing afterwards. I really want to share about her last week as well as my grief process. So, at the very least I will write about all that. If I continue to write about other topics, we shall see.

Anti-theist

I think this is sort of funny (you be the judge) but last week I followed a crazy "rabbit trail" that led me to the topic of atheism.

I started with a search on attachment parenting, moved on to the topic of abortion and then to atheism. How do I go from parenting to atheism?! I thought the rabbit trail was funny but the topic of atheism majorly piqued my interest and I haven't stopped thinking about it since.

I wonder if this is too serious for my 3rd blog post ever but its actually one of the catalysts that spurred me on in starting this blog. So, topic of atheism, here I come.

The rabbit trail I followed led me to watching a bunch of YouTube videos of Atheists giving their de-conversion stories - de-conversion meaning they were people who had grown up in Christian homes or with some sort of Christian background and had previously believed in God, the Bible and Jesus. One by one I watched testimonies of people who had believed but began to have serious questions and doubts. Eventually these doubts were so distinct that they could not continue to believe in the truth of the Bible or the existence of God.

I found this really interesting for a couple of reasons. First, the questions they had were ones I also had/have struggled with - is the bible consistent in what it teaches; is God loving or mean and judgmental; how do we trust that the books included in the bible are the only ones that should be included when there are other books that didn't make the cut... Second, I was surprised by the response of many of the Christians who wrote in the comments section.

I can totally understand people having an issue with "religion". Its possible to misinterpret the Bible when its not read and understood in context. As a result there are a lot of conflicting and confusing doctrines out there that tend to turn people off of Christianity. Also, many Christians do appear to be hypocrites when they sin and make mistakes (e.g. cuss someone out in the middle of a road rage rant - I will admit that I have been guilty of this on more than one occasion) and live a "holier-than-thou" type religion rather than the humble loving serving faith that Jesus calls us to live. However, I truly did not understand how these Atheists did not find the answers they had so desperately sought. They were really smart people and had apparently studied out their questions but had come out with answers that had them taking a complete 180 from their previous beliefs. When I had some of these questions and studied for answers, I found more than sufficient information to not only tame my doubts but to also strengthen my faith! I really want to understand why the answers I found are not enough for them to believe. I think it is something I will need to ask an Atheist. But I am afraid to ask because it is such a sensitive topic. (To any of my Atheist friends and family, or anyone else who may read this, since this is being read rather than heard directly from me I want to be very clear that these words are written with no judgement! I am honestly seeking to understand what you believe and why. I have struggled with some of the same questions that many Atheists have struggled with, so I want to understand at what point did we come out with different answers).

The importance of Christians knowing and understanding their faith and being "prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give a reason for the hope that you have" and to do this with gentleness and respect (1 Peter 3:15) was given renewed passion in my heart as I read many of the Christians comments to the YouTube videos. Some Christians tried to argue with text book answers to which the Atheist was more than ready for and then led the Christian into a jumbled mess of split-hairs. Many Christians just dismissed the Atheist with the statement "oh, you were just never a true Christian then", which even to me didn't seem to be a fair assessment and unsurprisingly just inspires the Atheist into deeper disbelief. (One Atheist recommended reading the "no true Scotsman fallacy" in response to these dismissals. I did and found it very interesting and would encourage you to read it as well. Don't worry, its short - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/No_true_Scotsman).

Ultimately, this average woman was compelled to begin sharing her faith through this public forum. I hope I can do this thoughtfully and respectfully. I need to think beyond my own life and circumstances and to consider other people's needs and worldviews before I spout off my own beliefs at them. I was challenged to review what I have learned, to continue to learn, and to be ready and willing to share what I know with gentleness and respect to anyone who asks me. To be honest, I do not feel ready anymore. Its been 10 years since I graduated college and I have taken for granted what I believe and why. I have done my best to apply what I believe to all areas of my personal life but I have taken very little opportunity to share it with others who believe differently from me. I do not handle pressure or conflict very easily so if I was thrown into a debate I would probably not do very well. Yet I do believe that Jesus is an objective truth that can be known. It might not be enough for every person I meet but if I can share about my life and how God is changing me and how I know that He loves me, then I might do ok in a conversation. And so, this is another reason why I have started this blog. I want to have an opportunity to share my God story and I want to exercise my communication skills in this area.

As my time of working at home is nearing an end, I am thinking a lot about what I will do next and I very much want to find something, somewhere, that allows me to practically and compassionately help people. To me, being a witness means more than just saying that I believe something. It means that I live what I believe. I want to be active in demonstrating to people the love and compassion that Christ has shown me. Please pray for me to find this place.

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P.S. When I say that I still have questions about my faith, I want to share that the questions I tend to struggle with are most often related to where is God when it hurts sort of situations. But I will write about that in another post some time.