My Mom - Part 2

(Continuation of the story of my mom passing away from cancer and my grief process. Read Part 1 first. Sorry this is a little long. Its hard to choose what to share and what not to share.)

Praying with mom on Christmas day, '08

Jesus told her, "I am the resurrection and the life. Anyone who believes in me will live, even after dying. Everyone who lives in me and believes in me will never ever die. Do you believe this?" (John 11:25-26).

…After a good month but a bad week, my dad called me in the middle of the night telling me to come to the hospital. You don't go to the hospital at 4am with a 2 year old unless its bad news...

A nurse stopped us at the front desk before we went to mom's room. She told us what to expect. That mom had took a turn for the worse and the doctor expected her to have only a few hours. I didn't care. I knew that was why we were there. I just wanted her to stop talking so I could get to her room and say goodbye before it was too late. We got there. Her breathing was shallow. She told me she loved me and that I would be ok. I said I knew I would be because I knew where she was going, to heaven. And that I would one day see her again. She said goodbye to Jay and to her beautiful granddaughter.

My younger brother and sister-in-law got there a few minutes later. They said their goodbyes. My aunts, uncles, cousins and close family friends trickled through over the next few hours. But the person we worried about the most was my older brother and his family. They had to drive 7 hours from Saskatchewan. We really didn't think mom was going to make it. She was barely breathing. She was sleeping a lot. Whenever she woke she would ask if Jeremy was there yet then go back to sleep.

Jeremy arrived in the afternoon. Oh my goodness! The joy I felt when Jeremy walked into that room! Mom didn't just wake up. She livened up! Jeremy, Jimmie-Lou and their 2 boys said their goodbyes. They prayed with her. And she was like a new woman! She began to breath better, stay awake longer and started to chew ice chips. The doctor had predicted she was going to pass away in a few hours. It ended up being 3 full days!

I am very thankful for those 3 days. I left her side only 1 time, on the second day, to have a quick shower. The first day, after Jeremy arrived, mom slowly began to revive. The first night I slept on a 2 foot wide window sill. On the second day, mom woke us up with a joke. She was a little more like her old self. She talked with her visitors, she chuckled, she asked the doctors questions about what had happened the night before to cause such a drastic turn in her condition. Even the doctors said she was doing much better and there was a slight chance she could pull through. On the 2nd night I slept on a cot in the room. On the 3rd day mom began to decline again.

On the 3rd night, Jeremy, dad and I settled in. Mom stirred every 2-3 hours when she needed more drugs but that was it. It was a rough night for me. I couldn't sleep and at one point I actually went to the bathroom to puke. Earlier, Jimmie had started praying and singing worship songs with mom every time she needed drugs. Mom told us that this really helped her to stay calm and asked us to make sure we did it when Jimmie wasn't there. I was a little hesitant to do it because I felt awkward and didn't really know what to pray or sing. That night, I would barely start to pray and mom would fall asleep and I would stop right away. Around 5:30am mom stirred and was given what ended up being her last dose of drugs. As she quieted back down, I felt the presence of God strong and clear. His presence was so clear to me that I could not help but speak His name and sing praises to Him. I prayed one single word, "Jesus". And I sang the worship song I Stand in Awe of You.

I finally fell asleep on the cot at the foot of mom's bed. About 2 hours later Jeremy woke me up and said he thought this was it. I heard mom barely breathing and I ran out to get dad (who was sleeping in the next room) and the nurse. I hurried back in to hear mom breathe her last breath just as the sun began to rise.

.....

I believe that because of Jesus my mom is now in heaven. Because I believe this, I have hope. I have hope that one day I will see my mom again. Because of this hope I can also look back and appreciate some moments of joy through the midst of those 3 days. I remember how strong and brave my mom was. I remember how glad she was to hear the news that one of my Uncles had decided to trust in Jesus. I remember how many visitors came and feeling all the love from family and friends. I remember quietly playing worship music and how peaceful those 3 days were... They were sad days but they were also peaceful... I remember my mom waking us up on the 2nd day with a smile and a joke. I remember being by my mom's side and her trusting me to be her voice to communicate her questions, concerns and needs to the doctors. And I remember mom telling me and my brothers that my grandma's old roll top desk is to be passed on to me - and don't you two forget it! ;)

One of my most favorite memories is from the 2nd night. Jimmie and I stayed that night and we were up late talking. We were wrapping it up and Jimmie prayed a good night prayer. When she finished we hear mom say "amen". We didn't know she had woken up. We looked up to see mom looking at us with the clearest, brightest eyes and the biggest smile. Her eyes had lost that slightly dull, drugged out look. She was totally alert and said "I'm awake you know. I heard that prayer". She asked us what we were doing. We joked and told her we were having a slumber party. She smiled and chuckled and told us she was fine, didn't need anything and to get back to our slumber party and went back to sleep… That was such a precious moment for Jimmie and I. We both felt like God had given us a gift. A gift of one last look at our beautiful, wise, loving and joyful mom. I will never forget her smile from that night.

Another precious memory is from mom's 3rd and last night. Between me, my dad, my brothers, sister-in-laws, my husband and the kids, we weren't all in the room together at the same time very often. On this night we all happened to be there at the same time. When we realized we were all there we had all the kids come in and say one last goodbye. Then we decided to take the opportunity to pray together. We circled around mom's bed, held hands and prayed. I think it gave mom a lot of peace, to know that as a family we were still together and would trust in God even without her there to guide and encourage us. I think that maybe it was the last bit of peace she needed to let go and move on to her home in heaven.

To end Part 2 of this story, I would like to share with you a song by Chris Tomlin that is about looking forward to heaven. I do, very much, look forward to worshiping God in heaven, one day, beside my mom.

...Part 3 will be about my grief process...

My Mom - Part 1

Mom and Baby Girl in December '08

My mom passed away 3 years ago from lung cancer. She was diagnosed in December '08 and passed away 2 1/2 months later on March 1, 2009. She was 56. It was a shock, it happened so fast, but I'm thankful for the little time we did have to prepare and say goodbye. I want to share here about her last week and my grief process. I will need to write this in a few posts because I want to share a lot. So this is Part 1.

I have purposely waited until May to share this story. Not because Mother's Day is in May. But because my birthday is in May. My birthday is when I miss my mom the most. My mom always made me feel so special on my birthday. Even as an adult I always received HUGE beautiful flower bouquets. I miss so many things but before I get into that I want to first share about her last week in this world.

A lot of people prayed for my mom throughout her illness. We prayed for healing and we prayed for peace. This was a huge comfort to mom because it helped to guard her mind from dwelling on fear. Fear of pain and fear of leaving her family too soon. Especially at night. Mom told me that she wasn't able to sleep very well at night and would wake up often and feel her most vulnerable. My Grandma had just passed away from the same cancer a few months earlier and had done all of her palliative care at my parent's house. My mom, and others, were with her to the end and knew what it was like to go through and pass away from lung cancer. My sister-in-law, Jimmie-Lou, suggested we start a prayer chain and ask people to commit to praying at specific times of the day. Mom had a copy of the list and was incredibly blessed, knowing that at any given time of day, she was not alone. Thankfully, we have friends and family across the country so we even had people praying through the night from 12am-6am our time. Lots of people prayed at unspecific times too and we were thankful for everybody's prayers.

I kept people updated on her condition and prayer requests through notes on Facebook. The last note I wrote was a month before she passed away. She had just gone through a really bad rough patch but was starting to feel better. I don't know much about cancer. Mom's cancer was so aggressive and fast that she never even did chemo. I think ups and downs might be really common with cancer. I don't know. What I do know is that it was very deceiving to me. Every time she was doing well, I thought she was going to get better. She was doing alternative treatments and I thought maybe they were working. There was even a time when she was suppose to get radiation for the cancer that had spread to her foot bone but ended up not needing it when they went to mark the spots and discovered the cancer there was gone! We all celebrated.

A week before she passed away she went to the hospital because she was having great pain again. She ended up admitted to the hospital while the doctors worked on changing her medication. She was very discouraged at first and wasn't even able to walk. One night Jimmie-Lou prayed with her over the phone and mom called me, so excited, saying she was able to walk again. We thought she was going to go home soon. Well, she did end up going home but not to the home we expected. A few days later, I got a phone call in the middle of the night. It was dad telling me to come to the hospital. To bring Jay and Baby Girl. You don't go to the hospital at 4am with a 2 year old unless its bad news.

…I think I should stop there for Part 1 as its already a lot to read and I have SO much more to share. I'll write about mom's final days in the next post. Thanks for reading and I hope those of you who prayed for my mom know how important you were to us and how much we appreciated your prayers. Thank you!

For the Love of Rain

I decided today that I think spring is my favorite season. Every season has its positives and negatives, including spring. But I decided today that I think I enjoy the positives of spring more than the positives of the other seasons. Sure, I think autumn has beautiful colors. And I love to watch snow falling in the winter and see beautiful landscapes of pure white after a fresh snowfall. I love to bask in sunlight and be warm in the summer, but not too warm. But spring. Oh spring…

I love the excitement I feel when I see new buds beginning on trees. Anticipating the new growth. I love watching everything turn from bare and brown to green, green, green. And I absolutely love the rain. I love to hear the pitter patter outside and on my windows and watch the droplets create their ripples in a puddle or make their track down a windowpane. I do look forward to sunny skies but I don't mind the clouds as much when they are dropping down rain. I love the smell of rain, the sounds of rain and the sights of rain. And as a little bonus, my birthday is in spring!

Sometimes I wonder if loving rain has anything to do with me being born on Vancouver Island. My parents are from Calgary and moved back here when I was 1. I don't remember anything from living in BC. Although I remember lots of vacations there… camping in tents, in the rain. But I wonder how many times I fell asleep to the sounds of rain as a baby. Perhaps there is still a subconscious trigger towards peace when it rains.

Today I ran lots of errands and we were in and out of the house 6 times. My baby boy jumped in the same puddle 5 of the 6 treks to/from the van. On the 6th time, we were coming home and I was finally prepared with my camera to make sure I got a cute picture of the splash and the smile. Of course, this was the one time he decided to be grumpy and come straight into the house. Oh well. Maybe tomorrow I will get my pic.

I hope everyone is enjoying their spring!

P.S. I would like to know, what is your favorite season and why?

To Write or Not to Write

I'm having second thoughts about starting this blog. I feel like such a flake but it is what it is. I've been writing. I have 7 posts started. I just haven't published them. I've even had this post written for a week. I just can't seem to click that publish button! Part of the problem is that I am afraid of being judged. I started the blog thinking that I would share about hobbies, interests, my life and my thoughts on different topics. The problem is that now I find myself mostly just wanting to share my thoughts which basically makes this a public diary for all to read. I don't know about you but I don't particularly want everybody and anybody to read my diary!

Sure I could back off and mainly just share about my hobbies and life but then I still can't help but add what I thought or how I feel about these different events and interests. I could just limit how much I share but then I feel like I'm not being as honest as I would like. I am very afraid of being judged. If I only share the positive thoughts and events, then I may be judged as being fake because life isn't always positive. If I share about a personal struggle, then I could be judged in a wide number of ways. I could be a poor writer. I could be a debbie downer. I could be too insecure, a bad parent, uneducated, untalented, misunderstood. Or I could be considered a know-it-all, bragging, proud, arrogant, pretentious. The possibilities are endless. Basically, I now realize that putting my thoughts out there for all to read is a really vulnerable place to be and I'm not sure I have thick enough skin to handle it. 

And so I find myself at a stand still. Should I write or should I not write. Do I put myself out there or are there better ways to communicate and share my thoughts, ideas and opinions.

Now please don't misunderstand me. I am not looking for an ego boost here. I've taken a week to publish this post for fear of being misunderstood. I am simply being honest and wanted to let people know why I haven't written for 2 weeks. Of course, I always appreciate words of encouragement. It is my love language. I thrive on encouragement! But it is not what I am seeking through this post. If anything, I am hoping to hear promises of not being judged. But really, I don't need to hear anything at all. I'm just dipping my toes into the water, treading slowly and carefully and we'll see how it goes from there.

I don't know yet if I will continue blogging. I guess only time will tell. But one thing I will definitely write about before quitting (if I quit) is my mom. When she was sick I wrote notes on Facebook to keep people updated on how she was doing. The last note I wrote said that she was doing well. A month later she passed away. It all happened so fast I never had a chance to share what was going on or how I was doing afterwards. I really want to share about her last week as well as my grief process. So, at the very least I will write about all that. If I continue to write about other topics, we shall see.

New Style

I got my hair done! Well, I got it done 2 weeks ago and am finally posting the pics. Its been over a year since I last had a hair cut. Seriously! I last had it cut in December 2010. Here are the before and after pics. What do you think?

I feel now like I'm back in my own skin. I haven't had color put in since... wow, since we lived in Ontario, so over 6 years. My hair is quite thick so when it's long it takes me about 20 minutes just to blow dry, never mind style or anything. I'm not exaggerating! I've taken to pulling my wet hair into ponytails and buns. Not too exciting. 

I love that feeling of a weight being lifted off my head after a hair cut. And I love the excitement I feel when I'm washing my hair and realize how little shampoo I need to use. And I love that the time it takes me to dry and style my hair has gone from 20+ minutes to 2-5 minutes. Its very exciting for me :)

So, here's to a new average me. Cheers!

List Maker

I think it is time for me to write something a little more light-hearted. So, I decided to write about lists. I love making lists! I am a list lover. I will write a list just for something to do when I am bored. I love lists so much that I will even write a to-do list after I have completed all the to-do tasks (I also really enjoy checking everything off the already completed to-do list). 

So, I have decided now to share with you a list about lists :)


Here are my 5 favorite list topics:

1. An endless amount of favorites - favorite movies, favorite books, favorite songs, etc. (You name it, I will write a list for it, and probably even categorize it).


2. To-do list (which never ends).


3. Things I want to learn about/Books I want to read/Things I want to learn how to do (I wrote a list in junior high that included wanting to learn sign language. In high school I learned to sign the alphabet. When my daughter was born I learned some baby sign language with her. It was so much fun!)


4. Topics to write/blog about (I have 20 listed in my notebook now).

5. Things not to post on Facebook. ;)

Anti-theist

I think this is sort of funny (you be the judge) but last week I followed a crazy "rabbit trail" that led me to the topic of atheism.

I started with a search on attachment parenting, moved on to the topic of abortion and then to atheism. How do I go from parenting to atheism?! I thought the rabbit trail was funny but the topic of atheism majorly piqued my interest and I haven't stopped thinking about it since.

I wonder if this is too serious for my 3rd blog post ever but its actually one of the catalysts that spurred me on in starting this blog. So, topic of atheism, here I come.

The rabbit trail I followed led me to watching a bunch of YouTube videos of Atheists giving their de-conversion stories - de-conversion meaning they were people who had grown up in Christian homes or with some sort of Christian background and had previously believed in God, the Bible and Jesus. One by one I watched testimonies of people who had believed but began to have serious questions and doubts. Eventually these doubts were so distinct that they could not continue to believe in the truth of the Bible or the existence of God.

I found this really interesting for a couple of reasons. First, the questions they had were ones I also had/have struggled with - is the bible consistent in what it teaches; is God loving or mean and judgmental; how do we trust that the books included in the bible are the only ones that should be included when there are other books that didn't make the cut... Second, I was surprised by the response of many of the Christians who wrote in the comments section.

I can totally understand people having an issue with "religion". Its possible to misinterpret the Bible when its not read and understood in context. As a result there are a lot of conflicting and confusing doctrines out there that tend to turn people off of Christianity. Also, many Christians do appear to be hypocrites when they sin and make mistakes (e.g. cuss someone out in the middle of a road rage rant - I will admit that I have been guilty of this on more than one occasion) and live a "holier-than-thou" type religion rather than the humble loving serving faith that Jesus calls us to live. However, I truly did not understand how these Atheists did not find the answers they had so desperately sought. They were really smart people and had apparently studied out their questions but had come out with answers that had them taking a complete 180 from their previous beliefs. When I had some of these questions and studied for answers, I found more than sufficient information to not only tame my doubts but to also strengthen my faith! I really want to understand why the answers I found are not enough for them to believe. I think it is something I will need to ask an Atheist. But I am afraid to ask because it is such a sensitive topic. (To any of my Atheist friends and family, or anyone else who may read this, since this is being read rather than heard directly from me I want to be very clear that these words are written with no judgement! I am honestly seeking to understand what you believe and why. I have struggled with some of the same questions that many Atheists have struggled with, so I want to understand at what point did we come out with different answers).

The importance of Christians knowing and understanding their faith and being "prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give a reason for the hope that you have" and to do this with gentleness and respect (1 Peter 3:15) was given renewed passion in my heart as I read many of the Christians comments to the YouTube videos. Some Christians tried to argue with text book answers to which the Atheist was more than ready for and then led the Christian into a jumbled mess of split-hairs. Many Christians just dismissed the Atheist with the statement "oh, you were just never a true Christian then", which even to me didn't seem to be a fair assessment and unsurprisingly just inspires the Atheist into deeper disbelief. (One Atheist recommended reading the "no true Scotsman fallacy" in response to these dismissals. I did and found it very interesting and would encourage you to read it as well. Don't worry, its short - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/No_true_Scotsman).

Ultimately, this average woman was compelled to begin sharing her faith through this public forum. I hope I can do this thoughtfully and respectfully. I need to think beyond my own life and circumstances and to consider other people's needs and worldviews before I spout off my own beliefs at them. I was challenged to review what I have learned, to continue to learn, and to be ready and willing to share what I know with gentleness and respect to anyone who asks me. To be honest, I do not feel ready anymore. Its been 10 years since I graduated college and I have taken for granted what I believe and why. I have done my best to apply what I believe to all areas of my personal life but I have taken very little opportunity to share it with others who believe differently from me. I do not handle pressure or conflict very easily so if I was thrown into a debate I would probably not do very well. Yet I do believe that Jesus is an objective truth that can be known. It might not be enough for every person I meet but if I can share about my life and how God is changing me and how I know that He loves me, then I might do ok in a conversation. And so, this is another reason why I have started this blog. I want to have an opportunity to share my God story and I want to exercise my communication skills in this area.

As my time of working at home is nearing an end, I am thinking a lot about what I will do next and I very much want to find something, somewhere, that allows me to practically and compassionately help people. To me, being a witness means more than just saying that I believe something. It means that I live what I believe. I want to be active in demonstrating to people the love and compassion that Christ has shown me. Please pray for me to find this place.

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P.S. When I say that I still have questions about my faith, I want to share that the questions I tend to struggle with are most often related to where is God when it hurts sort of situations. But I will write about that in another post some time.